How I Managed To Get This Far
Sometimes
I really don't know how I have gotten to where I am. I guess the saying, By the Grace of God, go I. I have always believed
in God and prayer. Just didn't think prayers were answered for me. Seemed like over the years, He has given me
more than I wanted or sometimes felt I could handle.
I have been in ALANON for alittle over 10 years. It has gotten
me through more than I could ever imagined. Through an alcoholic marriage, husbands heart surgery, problems with our
children, and now the death of my son. (Not that I am anywhere near through this.)
One thing the program did for me was
got me a closer relationship with my Higher Power, who I chose to call God. On a personal level This was not something
I ever had before. I believed and prayed. The other people got the miracles and answered prayers. I was
scared if I messed up I would be punished and believed that was why my life wasn't always what I thought it should be.
I needed to be good enough or I would never have a promise of Heaven. I could not believe I had a loving God.
I wasn't taught this way. Now I do believe in a loving God.
Then why has so much happened in my life
that I didnt want to happen? I have no idea. When my son was murdered someone asked me what they could do for
me. I said, Bring my Jimmy home. I do not want to go through this. You know most things in life we can say this
and get away with it. We have choices in life and if we dont want to do something, we dont have to. Well, I found
out something very real and hurting. This is not something you can not go through. This is something you have
no choice in. There are no options.
I have had to depend on God for everything.
Every little thing. I learned that "One Day At A Time", literally means what it says. Only this time I have had
to one minute at a time. I have trouble getting through the days. Nights are bad too. Life is hard.
There is no easy ways in grief. I have had to learn this. I also know I didn't want to. God has been my
strength. I also found out something else. You NEVER get over the loss of a child. No matter how old they
may be. I also learned it's ok to cry. Which I do a lot of. There is always an anniversary of some sort
that puts you in the crying room.
I have also lost my oldest son due to
this sad event. Grief does weird stuff to everyone. He has chosen to not be a part of my life right now.
I trust God to do his stuff on this one. I have had to let it go. I have had to let it go. I have had to
deal with more than my share these past few months and I just can't deal with anymore. I pray. That is what I
should do and I do it. The separation of my husband and I after 38 years of marriage happened about a month before our
son was murdered. He has chosen not to return home at this time either. I have a daughter and two grandsons who
live with me now. One is working, one is on disability and one is in school. I have had to get a new job.
I had worked in the educational field, but after my sons murder, I no longer could deal with many different things.
I heard your priorities change after the death of a loved one. I believe it. Mine did and are still changing.
I didn't expect to have to start my life over at 55, but I have had to. I have to work to keep my home. I have
to get up every morning to survive. If I didnt then I would be a let down to my son, God and to myself.
