The First Year
Sometimes Its Just Hard
When I started on this journey I never thought
about how hard it was going to be. I just went with the flow I guess. Many nights I have cried myself to sleep,
missing what I thought was supposed to be my life. As it has been shown to me many times. I have never had control
over any of it. I never thought I would have to start my life over at my age. I have though
The first year was something I really
can't remember what happened most of the time. I was so lost, that I missed many things. Some good, some not so
good. I just know I started having some days that I didn't grieve as hard. I was told by many people, that time
doesn't heal the wound. It only gets different. Time hasn't healed anything. It has gotten different.
I am sadder. I cry at the littlest things. I laugh. I wonder where that came from. How can I laugh
when my son is not here? Oh yes, others will say, You need to go on. Where? I dont know. Only do I know
that I have put one foot in front of the others and walk a walk that I did not choose.
The first year is a numbness. It
helps you function. Somehow you feel at times, that I can get through this. Other times you feel you can['t possibly
go on another day, let alone another minute without crying. Wondering what it was that you did that made God mad enough
at you to take your child. Then you go to the realization that you did nothing wrong. We have no power over anything.
Only God does. Why He chose to take my son when He did, is only His knowledge. I have wondered why more than anyone
can ever know, unless you have lost a child, why? I have been told it is not our question to ask. Why? I
am asking. I have wanted answers. I dont get them answered. Not in my time I guess. Someday I will
know. I think that is what keeps me going. By the time I will know, I won't care. For now, I want answers.
God knows it. He knows I am mad. He knows I hurt. He knows I cry. But, I can ask. I can cry.
I dont have to get over it. Some think I should be. Well, guess what? I am NOT! When will I be? Never.
Will I go on the way I used to? No. It is not possible.
I have changed. My sons death did
that. Ending my marriage did this. Losing my oldest son due to this death of his brother did this. We all
grieve in each individual way. No one grieves the same. We can't expect it from any of us. We can and should
know that family support is one of the most important things we need. From each other. When that is not possible,
then we do what we have to do to go on. We all change in different ways. Some go on, some stay where they are.
I choose to do it my way. Not others way. I do understand that my way is not anothers way. I have learned
to accept the end in many relationships.
It has been an emtional rollercoaster for us all. But, we are still alive.
We still miss our loved one. That will never change. Only we do.
