Sometimes I  wonder, Jimmy, how can I be doing this? There is not a day goes by that I don't miss you and wish you were here. Today, as I sit here wanting so much to have you explain the why's and reason. It is in my heart that I know you couldn't answer the questions even if you were here.

 

Yesterday was hard on all of us, yet I put that proud face on and looked it all in the face. I survived another day. Another painful date, that seems to always end up saddened. Saddened buy the way everyone treats others. The way everyone still lies and acts like it's ok.  You and I both know its not and won't be until justice is served.

To see how "family" can treat each other like we don't mean anything is still something I can never understand. No reason, no careing. Someday it will all be over and then I will not care or feel the pain in this world, let alone this family. I feel sometimes you are the lucky one. Even though I miss you, you are free from the hurt that is still here and probably always will be.

I know I forgive others for how I am treated most of the time. Hurt never stops though. My heart hurts. hurts to know that others still don't understand, the pain and grief I have.  I understand theirs and try always to be there for them. Hold them when they hurt. Understand their grief.  No one understands mine. They leave it to me to handle. As always in all things, right? Somethings never change do they?

This time of year is hard for me. A I am trying very hard to stay strong. To accept the way others treat me, like I have no feelings. Maybe someday they will understand. I can only hope and pray. So far they have not been answered.

 

You know I know you are still here. Protecting and trying to ease the pains we all have. Your job now has been more than you had in this life, huh? Why did it and still does, seperate us all? CanI learn still from what this is? Accept it and not feel the pain of rejection? Of uncaring people that was what you thought caring? For you I do. For you I have to try. The pain is so deep sometimes though.

Keep Me Close To You, is a song I came across this past week, How funny you made sure I heard it. You never have to worry about that one, sweetie. You are always close to me. In my heart and soul.

 

So four years has not ended the pain. Four years has not made today any better than four years ago. Oh yea, I can smile and laugh more on the good days. On the hard days. It still makes me weak.  The ocean wave of grief, hit me today. I don't know if I can float through this one. Silly me thought others still cared. How sad to know that they don't and probaly never will.

 

I love you today and yesterday and tomorrow. I will miss you today and tomorrow. Understand, its all I have to give you and you will always be close to me.